My Stand Up


The following jokes (152 off) of mine have all been published.

They have appeared in

The Sun, The Star, That’s Life, Daily Sport, F.H.M., Reader’s Digest 

Glasgow Herald, Daily Mail and the Daily Record.


Wife: “If only once you spent Sunday with me instead of playing golf, I swear I would drop down dead!”

Husband: “There you go trying to bribe me again”


Q: “What do you call a boat load of students?”

A: “A scholar-ship”


Customer: “How do I stand for a £10,000 loan?”

Bank Manager: “You don’t. You kneel”


Man in pub: “I dreamt about you last night”

Barmaid: “Did you?”

Man: “No, you wouldn’t let me”


Q: “Why was the stupid bloke sitting staring at the bottle of orange juice?”

A: “Because “concentrate” was typed on the label”


Girl (to fella she met the night before): “I said some foolish things to you last night”

Fella: “Yes”

Girl: “And that was one of them”


Schoolboy: “Can I be blamed for something I haven’t done?”

Teacher: “No, of course not”

 Schoolboy: “Good, because I haven’t done my homework”


One of Scotland’s best comedians Hector Nicol dominated the local comedy scene during the 60’s and 70’s. He sadly passed away in 1982. Left click on his name to download the first 5 minutes of one of his best gigs. I can supply all of his cassette material from this era stored on a DVD in mp3 format. ie Bawdy Lines  1, Bawdy Lines  2, Cop of the North  1, Cop of the North  2, Hobo Sexual 1, Hobo Sexual    2, It’s a fair Cop  1, It’s a fair Cop  2, Laffin’ Room Only  1, Laffin’ Room Only  2, Nicol Ticklers  1, Nicol Ticklers  2, Scotch and full of it.  1, Scotch and full of it.  2, The Lady is Tramp & Try a Little Tenderness. Around ten hours of listening. price £20.00.

A few of Hectors’ jokes

Hector is in the gents having a pee. A big guy stands next to him, Hector looks doon:
“Ah’ve never seen anything like it: talk about Big T roll in a bag ? It was like Kojak in a turtle neck sweater !”
Hector asks the guy “How did ye manage to get wan like that ?”
The guy answers “Ma Mother had only wan airm, it was the only way she could get me oot the pram !”.

A wee guy comes into the gents, he’s about half an hour looking for it.
Hector: Don’t ye have a bit of a problem when yer gaunnie make love to yer wife ?”
The wee guy : “Naw, it’s twice as big and there’s two o’ us lookin’ for it !”.


Hector said he was at the dancing and picked up a young lady.As he was walking her home he takes her up a close and gets her drawers off. He drops his own skiddies and is just about to enter her. She looks down at his raging manhood and laughs “If I cough that’ll fall oot”, Hector replies “Aye Mibbee!, but you’ll need hooping Cough to keep it oot”!!!




Wife to husband (as she packs her bags): “I’m leaving you and the reason is illness and fatigue”

Husband: “What do you mean?”

Wife: “It means I’m sick and tired of you”



The supermarket trolley cartoon above came to me one Saturday afternoon.  I was

driving out of the old Asda car park in Motherwell when I noticed a bloke pushing a

shopping trolley down Watson street. After applying a funny “what if” side to it this is

what I came up with. It was published in three national newspapers.



Two blokes are sitting next to each other taking an IQ test.

First fella: “What does EEC mean?”

Second fella: “ European Economic Community ”

A few moments later the second fellow asks: “What does D.I.Y. mean”

First fella: “Do it yourself”

Second fella: “Come on I helped you.”



  First Bloke “I haven’t spoke to my wife for two years”

 Second bloke “Why?”

 First Bloke “I don’t like interrupting her”



A couple were driving through a place called Gwuan-leision in Wales . When they stopped for a snack, they start to argue about how to pronounce Gwuan-leision.

“I’ll settle this once for all,” Says the husband. He goes up to the waitress and asks: “How do you pronounce this place we’re in?”

The waitress replies: “CA-FAY”



A man and his wife walk into a hotel, a pretty blonde taps the bloke on the shoulder and says: “Hello, darling, what are you doing here?” The bloke quickly ushers his wife into a lift. Inside she demands: “Who was that woman?” “Don’t you think I’m going to be in enough trouble trying to explain you to her.” he replies.



 Bloke rushes into a pub, orders a pint and downs it in one gulp. “With what I’ve got I shouldn’t have done that” he says.

Barman “Why. What have you got?”

Bloke “About ten pence”



Husband: “Stand behind my car and tell me if the indicators are working?”

Wife: “Yes, no, yes, no, yes…………”


The army joke above was related to me by a bloke from Motherwell called Tim Henderson.

Tim was a terrific fellow who told many a funny anecdote. Sadly he passed away last year.

I would therefore like it to be noted that this is published in his memory.



A man is desperate to win the lottery so he starts going to church every day to pray. After three weeks of nothing happening, the man suddenly hears the words “I want to help you but you must do something for me” Anything, Lord” says the man. “Meet me halfway,” says the voice from above. “ Buy a ticket.


First Bloke “When I go away on business now, I take my wife with me”

Second Bloke “Why’s that?”

First Bloke “It saves me kissing her goodbye”


A   milkman  on  his  early  morning  round  finds  a  note  in  the  empty  milk  bottle  which  reads  80  pints  please.  He  finds  this  a  bit  odd  so  he  chaps  the  door and  asks  why  she’s  wanting  all  this  milk.  The  lady  explain  that  she  is  having  a  bath  in  it  to  help  her  complexion.  The  milkman  says  “that  will  be  all  right  then , are  you  having  it  pasteurised?”

The  lady  says  “no , just  up  to  my  chin”



Angry wife: “Why did you come home half drunk last night”

Husband: “Because I ran out of money”



Q: “What do you get if you cross a parrot and a hen?”

A: “A bird that lays an egg then tells you”



Q: “What’s the difference between unlawful and illegal?”

A: “Unlawful is against the law.

Illegal is a sick bird”



Husband: “Your mother been with us for 20 years now . Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?”

Wife: “My mother, my mother? I thought she was your mother”



A Man asks his girlfriend “Was I the first?”

She replies “Maybe, your face looks familiar.”



Young man: “I’ve come to ask if I can have your daughter’s hand in marriage.”

Father: “Have you seen her mother?”

Young Man: “Yes, but I’d still prefer you daughter.”



A man goes to the doctor for a check up and the doctor asks him when was the last time he had sex. The man says he can’t remember but he’ll ring his wife and ask.  When he says: “Mabel, when did we last have sex?” She replies “Who’s that speaking?”



First man: “My wife never wears lipstick”

Second man: “Why’s that?”

First man: “She can’t keep her mouth closed long enough to put it on.”



First man: “I went out with a pair of twins last night”

Second man: “Did you have a good time?”

First man: “Yes, and no.”



First man: “Do you think there’s such a thing as a perfect man?”

Second man: “Yes , that’s the man my wife should’ve married?”



Q:  Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

A:   To keep their nuts dry



A  lady  sitting  by  a  swimming  pool

became  engrossed  with  a  male  swimmer.   So  much  so  that  he  came  over  and  said  “can  I  help  you  madam?”

she  said  “you  look  so  much  like  my  third  husband”

he  said  “you’ve  been  married  three  times?”

she  said  “no, twice”



First man: “I’m married to a very clever woman. She can talk for hours on any subject”

Second man: “Mine talks all day and night and doesn’t need a subject?”



Johnny: “Dad, do all fairy stories begin with ‘once upon a time’?”

Mum, interrupting: “No, some of them begin with ‘Darling , I have to work late tonight.’ ”  



1st  farmer  said  to  2 nd  farmer

my  prize  bull  became  impotent , but  I  got  the  vet  in  and  he  gave  me  some  special  medicine  for  him ,  and  now  he’s  working  away  fine”

2nd  farmer  said  “special  medicine , what’s  it  like?”

1st  farmer   “there’s  a  slight  taste  of  chocolate  from  it”



A girl tells her father that her boyfriend has asked to marry her.

“Has he got any money?” The father asks.

“You men are all the same,” said the girl. “He asked the same question about you.”



Wife: “That was my husband on the phone.”

Bloke: “Don’t tell me he’s coming home early?”

Wife: “No, he won’t be home for ages. He says he playing cards with you and two other fellas.”



Wife: “Let’s try the missionary position.”

Husband: “Okay. Er, what’s that?”

Wife: “I stay in the house and you go to Africa .”



A woman In a wedding dress runs on to the golf course and starts shouting at a bloke who is teeing off from the fifth hole.

He replies: “I told you only if it’s raining.”



Friend to forthcoming bride: “Are you going to have a white wedding?”

Bride: “Only if it’s snowing.”



A woman who was waiting to go to the gallows stripped off.

 The hangman looked over and asked: “What’s this?” She replied:“It’s yours, If you keep your trap shut.”


First Girl: “ On the way to work this morning a man stopped me in the street and showed me the lining of his raincoat.”

Second Girl: “Are you sure he only wanted you to see his raincoat?”

First Girl: “Oh, yes! He wasn’t wearing anything else.”



Two women talking about marriage problems….

First: “Why don’t you give your husband a divorce?”

Second: “What! I have lived with him for ten years and now you want me to make him happy?”



Q: How do you get your wife to listen to you?

A: Talk to another woman 



First Bloke: “What did you do before you got married?”

Second Bloke: “Anything I liked.”



First Lady: “Did you wake up grumpy this morning?”

Second Lady: “No, I let him sleep on.”



An aunt was visiting her young nephew. After dinner, the little boy asked: “Aunt when are you going to do your party trick?”

“What party trick?” inquired the aunt. “Well” Said the little boy, “Dad says you can drink like a fish.”



First Lady: “Is your husband hard to please?”

Second Lady: “I don’t know I’ve never tried.”



 Q: Why did the nudist couple get divorced?”

A: Because they had been seeing too much of each other.



Q: What’s black and white and eats like a horse?”

A: A zebra.



First Bloke  “I hear you’re working”

Second Bloke  “Yes I’ve got 500 hundred people under me now.”

First Bloke  “Your job sounds important”

Second Bloke “Yes, I’m cutting the grass in the graveyard.”



 The bloke calls the fire brigade and says “There’s a fire in my house can you come immediately” The fireman said “How do we get there?”   The bloke replies “In a big red truck with a ladder on it”



 First Lady “Men are like the prison system.”
Second Lady “Why is that?”

First Lady “Not enough cells per man.”


At the ex referee’s funeral one chap said to the other “He had a good life and that was a marvelous send off”



Q: Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?

A:  He was sucked under by a strong current.



This bloke is on a business flight when the fellow sitting next to him asks him if he has the time. The bloke replies “No, I’m not telling you”.  The chap says “Why not?”  The bloke answers by saying, “Well if I tell you the time then we’ll get talking. We’ll become pretty friendly. After this flight I’ll probably invite you home with me to meet my wife and my eighteen-year-old daughter. You’ll be taken aback with my daughter because she’s a stunner. My wife will ask you to stay for dinner, and then we’ll have a few drinks. The wife and me will go to bed; you’ll stay up chatting to my daughter.  One thing will lead to another and you’ll end up sleeping with her. A few months later she’ll find out she’s pregnant and you won’t marry her. “I will, I will,” shouted the chap. “No you won’t” replied the older bloke “Because I’m not telling you the time.  I don’t want my daughter to marry somebody who can’t afford a watch”


A Soldier approached a girl in a red light district and asked: “How much for the pleasure of my company?”

After she told him it would be £25, the soldier looked back and shouted: “Company, forward march.” 


A Scotsman is getting married so he buys 6 yards of the family name’s tartan cloth. He takes it into a dressmaker and asks her to make him a kilt with underpants to match.  When he collects the garments from the shop he is given 2 yards of material which is left over. He goes home and tries on the kilt and is so delighted with it he forgets to put on the underpants. Then he dashes over to his fiancée’s house and parades in front of her showing off the kilt. However he forgets he doesn’t have the underpants on and lifts up the front of the kilt and say’s “and what do you think of that”. His fiancée replies “That’ll do fine”. “And what’s more” he say’s “I’ve got another 2 yards of it back in the house”


Q:  “What do you call a woman who does a man’s work?”

A:   “A lazy cow”



An attractive young lady was sitting alone in a bar when a young man approached her. Excuse me” He said, “may I buy you a drink?” “What, to a hotel?” She screamed. “No, no,” Protested the man, “You misunderstood. I just asked if I could buy you a drink.” The young man retreated to his table while everybody glared at him indignantly. After ten minutes the young lady came over and said “I’m sorry about creating the scene, but I’m a psychology student studying human behavior in unexpected situations” the young man looked at her and shouted “What? A hundred pounds”



Q:   “What was the cowboy with the paper trousers, paper shirt and paper hat arrested for ?”

A: “Rustling”

59)  At a party one night this lady found here self being embraced by a male guest who was very much under the weather. As he released her he said “Excuse me, my dear. I thought you were my wife” “Fancy having you as a husband” said the lady “You drunken, clumsy, disgusting beast” “There you go” said the bloke “Not only do you look like my wife, but you sound like her as well”


Bloke   “Every time I drink a cup of tea I get a sharp pain in my left eye”

Doctor  “Have you tried taking the teaspoon out of the cup?



A man went into a department store and asked an assistant, “Do you sell potato clocks?” “Potato clocks, sir? I’m not sure what you mean,” replied the  assistant. “Well,” came the explanation, “I’m always late for work, and my boss said I would get there before nine if I got a potato clock…”



This chap is on the balcony of his apartment leaning over the balustrade when his glass eye falls out. Just at that moment a lady is walking below. She notices his predicament and manages to catch the eye before it hits the ground. He runs down the stairs and thanks her profusely then immediately asks her out. She replies “Are you always as quick at asking a girl for a date?” “No” he replies “Only the ones who catch my eye”



Two blokes were out at sea fishing from the side of a boat. Behind one of the fellows a 40 feet hand comes out of the water. It moves down to the right and then to the left. After doing this a few times it disappears below the water where it had come from. The chap on the other side of the boat says “You should have seen the size of that wave over there”

 Back to Top   in case your fed up reading them


Q “What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?”

A “A cat has claws at the end of it’s paws and a comma  has a pause at the end of it’s clause



Q “What do you call a woman who throws her bills in the fire?”                    A “Bernadette”


This bloke has a clone made of himself. It becomes very foul mouthed and offensive so he takes it along the top of some steep cliffs and pushes it over the edge. The police come along and charge him with making an obscene clone fall.


A priest walked into a barber shop After  he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord.” The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door. Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the community.” The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer. Then, a M.P. came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the country.” The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 M.P.’s in front of the door.


After marrying a young filly, a ninety-year old geezer told his doctor that they were expecting a baby. “Let me tell you a story,” said the doctor. “An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly, a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot.” “Impossible!” the geezer exclaimed. Somebody else must have shot that bear!” “Exactly,” replied the doctor!


Three elderly blokes are out for a drink one night when the start to discuss the thereafter. One of the fellows asks “When you’re in your coffin and all your friends and family are paying their last respects, what most would you like them to say?” The first bloke say’s “I would like them to say that I was a great family man who was kind and generous.” The second fellow say’s I’d like them to say  “That I was a great leader and an inspiration to all my friends” The last fellow say’s I’d like to hear somebody say “Look he’s moving”


Wife “It’s me and him we really love each other, we have the same interests and hobbies and the sex is mind blowing.”

Marriage Guidance Councilor          “ There’s nothing wrong with that”

Wife “But what will I tell my husband?”


Two bricklayers are having their lunch on a building site. One says to the other “I think my wife wants rid of me” “What makes you think that?” asks the other chap. “She keeps wrapping my sandwiches up in a road map” replies the first fellow.


First Bloke  “My wife’s got the face of a saint”

Second Bloke  “Really”

First Bloke  “Yeah, a St Bernard”


Donald from the north of Scotland is awarded a place at Oxford University. After his first week his mother phones him to ask how he’s getting on. “Its not too bad” replies Donald “But there’s some funny people here. Around midnight every evening the chap in the dormitory to the left of me keeps hitting his head against the wall and the chap to the right hits the wall with a baseball bat while the fellow above prances up and down the floor.” “Why don’t you report it?” asks his mother “ It doesn’t bother me too much” replies Donald “I’m usually up practicing on my bagpipes.



Two men are hiking in the mountains. One suddenly stops, removes his hiking boots, and starts putting on sneakers. The other asks why he is doing that. The first man answers, “I thought I heard a bear.” The second argues, “You can’t outrun a bear, not even with sneakers.” The first responds, “I don’t need to I only need to outrun YOU!”


Q  “What do you call a woman in the distance?”

A  “Dot”


First   bloke   “I  feel  just  like  a  red  Indian”

Second  Bloke    “Why  is  that?”

First   bloke     “Every  night  I  sleep  with  a  battle-axe”



AN ELDERLY man was telling his friend about the memory clinic he had attended to cure his absent mindedness. He said: “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization and association.” “That sounds marvelous,” said the friend. “What is the name of the clinic?” The first man goes blank and thinks for a while then suddenly smiles and asks: “What do you call that lovely red flower with thorns on the stem?” His friend said you mean a rose. “That’s it!” he cried, then turned to his wife and said “Rose, what’s the name of that memory clinic.”



Judge: “You have been found guilty to assaulting your wife. First offender?”

Defendant “First a fender, then a poker, then a …….”


79) Husband: “I’m afraid the florist has made a mistake with the bouquet I ordered for our anniversary. I asked for anemones and he’s sent ferns”

Wife: “Never mind, with fronds like these who needs anemones”



A MAN lent his girlfriend £5000 for plastic surgery. Now he can’t get his money back – he doesn’t know what she looks like.



MARRIED woman: “How do you keep your weight down?”

Single woman: “Every night I go home, look in the fridge and go straight to bed”

Married  woman: “Every night I go home I look in the bed , then go straight to the fridge.”



Husband: “What would you like for your birthday dear?”

Wife: “A divorce.”

Husband: “I wasn’t thinking of spending that much.”



A Husband strips off and tells his wife: “Just look at that 12 stone of pure dynamite.” His wife replies: “It’s a pity about the two inch fuse”



First cannibal:  “Your wife makes a lovely roast dinner.”

Second cannibal: “Yeah, but I’m going to miss her.”



Q: What do you call a man who has lost all his intelligence?”

A: A widower


Q: “Why do hairdressers make good drivers?”

A: “Because they know all the short cuts.”



Q: What do you call a woman in the distance?

 A: Dot.



First Woman: So tell me, Susan, What about your husband? Does he exercise?

Second Woman: Yes, Sandra, He’s very dedicated—last week he was out three nights running.


Bernard Manning paid me for this Joke.


A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8. The obviously well trained salesman says, “But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and- a-half.” “Just bring me a size eight.” The sales guy brings them and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain. He turns to the salesman and says, “My house has been repossessed, I live with my mother-in-law, my wife ran off with my best friend, my business has failed, and my son just told me he was gay. When I get home tonight and take these shoes off that’s the only relief  I’ll get.”


 Bernard Manning paid me for this Joke.


Two blokes were arguing in a pub this night about who had the ugliest wife. After half an hour one of the blokes took a picture of her out of his wallet and a said “I bet you can’t beat that.” The other fellow conceded. “OK she is ugly, but I want you to come home with me and have a look at my wife in the flesh and then you can judge for yourself.” When they went into his house he rolled back the carpet and lifted a hatch. He shouted down the hole “You can come up now darling” “OK I’m coming” she replied “But do you want me to put the paper bag over my head?” “No” replied the husband. “I don’t want to have sex with you I want to show you to my pal”



First Lady “Did you intend to get pregnant?”

Second Lady  “No, it was a cock up”


The dumb blond goes home unexpectedly and catches her husband in bed with a luscious redhead she opens a drawer takes out a gun and holds the barrel to her head. “Don’t” Her husband shouts. “Shut up” she snarls back “You two are getting it next”



Wife “Don’t I look younger without a bra?”

Husband “Well, it certainly takes the wrinkles out of your face”



First Cannibal  “That’s no way to bring up your son.”

Second Cannibal  “What do you expect after 10 pints of lager.”


Back to Top



A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. “Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?” Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his manhood out of the way, had a good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, there’s nothing is wrong with them!!!”
At this, the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, “Are my test results back???



An artist who specializes in nudes isn’t feeling very well one afternoon. When his model calls at his studio he tells not to bother undressing. He tells her that he’ll pay her as normal if she’ll make a cup of tea and sit down to have a chin wag. A few hours later he looks out the window “Oh my god!!” he exclaims “It’s my wife. Quick, take all your clothes off.”



A man is walking home and is feeling very horny As he passes a grocery store with pumpkins in the window, his mind starts to wander. He goes in and buys a pumpkin, cuts the appropriately sized hole in it, goes up a close, and begins to screw the pumpkin. After a while he is really into it, and doesn’t notice the police car pulling up. The cop walks over and says, “Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are sc***ing a pumpkin?” The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, “A pumpkin? Shit, is it after midnight already?”



A young boy had been taken for his first visit to a nudist camp by his parents. He was surprised at the different sizes of the male organs and mentioned it to his father. The father, being rather well endowed, explained that it was a measure of intelligence, the big ones being smart and the small ones being dumb. That afternoon the father was looking for his wife and asked his son if he had seen his mother. “I saw her about ten minutes ago, She was with a real dumb man, but he seemed to be getting smarter every minute.”



A blonde goes into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother in Essex. The man tells her it will be £100. She exclaims, “I don’t have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother back home!” To that the man asks, “Anything?” And the blonde says, “Yes, anything!” With that, the man says, “Follow me.” He walks into the next room and tells her, “Come in and close the door.” She does. He then says, “Take down my fly.” She does. Then he says, “Go ahead, take it out.” With that she kneels down and takes it out then takes hold of it with both hands. The man then says, “Well, go ahead!” She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says “It stinks” sorry, no she never, she says “Hello… Mom?”



There was a foursome of ladies about to play a par three, 165 yards long. Suddenly, out from the trees beside the fairway a streaker ran across the open expanse of the fairway. In a gasp, one lady remarked “I think I know that guy … isn’t that Dick Green?” “No” replied another, “I think it’s a reflection of the grass!”



First bloke “What did you get for Christmas?”

Second bloke “Oh, the usual a pair of slippers a jumper and a bit of sex”

First bloke “That’s a bit of all right”

Second bloke “Not really. Every thing I got was too big for me”



An old fellow was on his deathbed and hadn’t long to go. He suddenly smelled the aroma of newly baked apple tart. With his last bit of energy he pulled himself out of bed. As he makes his way into the kitchen he found his wife rolling pastry for a new batch of pies. He reached over for one of the freshly baked ones. With a snarl his wife roared “Leave them alone. They’re for the funeral.”



A priest goes to the Bishop and confesses that he swore while playing golf this morning. The Bishop asks him to fill him in on the circumstances. “On the sixth tee I hooked the first shot and my ball veered off course into the woods” “And that’s when you swore?” asked the Bishop. “No, no” replied the priest “I kept my tongue between my teeth and played on. Then at the ninth hole I over shot a fifty yarder and landed in the river” “So you swore?” “No, no” said the priest “I kept my composure and played on. It was on the tenth hole a played a marvelous shot and landed 12 inches away from the pin.” “Don’t tell me” interrupted the Bishop “that you missed the fu**ing putt”



First Lady: What do you have if you’ve got two balls in your hand?

Second Lady: Eh, I don’t know, what?

First Lady: A man’s undivided attention.



A few days after major surgery the doctor agrees to let this bloke out of hospital if he takes a course of suppository painkillers. The doctor gives him the first one and tells him to insert one every 6 hours thereafter. When it was time for the second one he approached his wife who pulls his pants down, bends him over a chair, puts one hand on his shoulder rams the capsule home with the end of a brush shaft. “Bloody hell” shouted the bloke “When the doctor did that he had a hand on each of my shoulders”



First Bloke “I got the sack from the chip shop for putting my willie in the potato peeler”

Second Bloke “And what did they do with the potato peeler?”

First Bloke “She got the sack as well”



A mobile phone rings in the health club changing rooms. This bloke lifts it up and answers it. The lady’s voice on the other end says “The fur coat I spoke to you about last night, it’s reduced to £399. Can I have it? “Sure darling” replies the bloke ”Just go ahead” “And the holiday in the Bahamas?” “Yea, that’s OK” “The new Mercedes?”     “Sure, honey, stick a deposit down on it. See you later bye bye.” The bloke then holds the mobile up in the air and says to the fellows around him “Anybody know who’s phone this is?”



The punk rocker with a Walkman goes into the barbers shop and says ”hay man, cut my hair man, and leave the earphones in or I’m dead, man” A bit intrigued the barber proceeds to cut his hair however curiosity gets the better of him and he pulls the earphones off. The punk rocker drops down dead. The barber lifts the earphones up, puts them to his ear, listens and hears Breathe in, Breathe out, Breathe in……….



A man goes to his doctor for a complete check up. He hasn’t been feeling well and wants to find out if he’s ill. After the check up, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. “I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying and you don’t have
much time,” the doctor says. “Oh no, that’s terrible! How long have I got?” the man asks. “10..” says the doctor. “10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What? he asks desperately.
“10…9…8…7…” said the doc.


Wife. Sex!, sex! Sex!, that’s all you ever think about. 

Husband. That’s not true. Sometimes I think about you.



This fellow walks into a chemist and asks for some arsenic. The chemist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for. He answered, “I want to poison my wife.” “I’m sorry Sir,” the pharmacist replied, “but you will have to understand that under such circumstances I can’t sell you any arsenic.” The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife. The pharmacist takes a look at the photo, blushes and replies, “I am sorry Sir, I didn’t realize you had a prescription.”


This gorilla is strolling through the jungle. He starts to feel a bit randy and notices the bare rear end of a lion at the edge of a watering hole. Temptation over rules him. He runs down and gives the lion a good humping. The lion doesn’t notice at first as she continues drinking. But, just as the gorilla is finishing the lion turns round and  sees what’s happening. She lets out a viscous growl and the gorilla  takes to its heels followed by a very angry lion. The chase continues for a few miles and as the gorilla tires she reaches a clearing where there’s a chap sitting on a deck chair reading a paper with a cap and a pair of dark glasses. The fellow on seeing the gorilla gets out of the way leaving his belongings behind. The gorilla puts on the coat, cap and glasses, sits on the deck chair and starts reading the paper. Just then the lion comes running up and says “Have you seen a gorilla run by?” The gorilla says “The one that f**ked the lion down at the water hole?” “Bloody hell” Said the lion “It’s not in the paper already, is it?”



Question:- What’s the difference between a condom and a coffin?

Answer:- They both contain stiffs but one’s coming and one’s going.



The blonde girl came skipping home from school one day. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!” Very good,” said her mother. Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” Yes, it’s because you’re blonde.” The next day the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, b, c, d, e, f, g!” Very good,” said her mother. Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” Yes, it’s because you’re blonde.” The next day the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. Very good,” said her patient mother. Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?” No, dear, it’s because you’re 25.”



A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. “What are you doing?” She asked. “Hunting Flies” He responded. “Oh. Killed any?” She asked. “Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied. Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell?” He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”



A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Montreal and I’m staying right here!”.  When the pilot is told of this he says “I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I have learned to speak ‘blonde’”. He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without hesitation, she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant is amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. “I told her First Class isn’t going to Montreal.”



Patient :- Doctor, doctor I keep seeing double.

Doctor :- take it easy and sit down on this seat.

Patient :- Which one, Doctor?



Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit her grandmother, when suddenly a wolf jumped out from behind a tree. “Ah-ha!” the wolf said, “Now I’ve got you. And I’m going to eat you!” “Eat! Eat! Eat!” Little Red Riding Hood said angrily. “Damn it! Doesn’t anybody f**k anymore?”


This bloke is visiting his wife in hospital when she tells him that she’s nervous about the operation she’s having the next day. “The nurse said that it was a straightforward operation and everything would be OK” continued his wife. “There you go,” said the husband. “She’s even trying to pacify you” “She wasn’t talking to me” replied his wife “She was talking to the surgeon”



The couple had split-up a few months ago, but still remained good friends, which worked out pretty good, since they lived in the same apartment building. The man slipped on the ice and broke his arm.  He met his ex-girlfriend in the elevator and she asked if  there was anything she could do to help. He said, “Well, if it’s not too trouble, could you help me take a bath?” She readily agreed and soon was washing him when she saw a gradual hard on beging to appear.  “Now isn’t that sweet,” she cooed. “Look Henry, it still recognizes me.”


 Defence Lawyer: What is your age? Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old. Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you? Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defence Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly. Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you? Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh. Defence Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Woman: No, I didn’t stop him. Defence Attorney: Why not? Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my husband passed away some 30 years ago. Defence Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts. Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Woman: Hell No, I did not stop him. Defence Attorney: Why not? Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honour, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years! Defence Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, “take me, young man, Take me!” Defence Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That’s when he yelled, “April Fool!” And that’s when I shot the b***ard!



 A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. “Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?” Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pyjama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, there’s nothing is wrong with them!!!” At this, the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, “Are my test results back???



The seventeen year old lad  hated going to family weddings … all of his aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to him, poke him in the ribs, cackle, and tell him, “You’re next.” … At the next wedding none of his relatives did this. His mother thought this strange so she approached him and asked why the kidding had stopped. He replied “at the funeral we were at last week I did the same to all of them”



This bloke walked into the doctors surgery and said to the receptionist “can the doctor have a look at my willy please” “tut tut” said the receptionist “this is a public place and one shouldn’t use words like that. Call it something else” “OK” said he bloke “can the doctor take a look at my ear?” “What exactly is the matter with your ear” asked the receptionist “I can’t pee out of it” replied the bloke.



In the school biology class the teacher announced that they were going to have a little test. “And the first question is what part of the human anatomy can swell to six times its normal size, and under what conditions?” As she looked round the class she pointed to Mary indicating her to answer. Stuttering Mary said “Oh miss I couldn’t possibly answer that” The teacher then pointed to Janice and her reply was “it’s the pupil of the eye in a dark room miss” “correct” said the teacher and glaring at Mary she said I’ve three things to say to you girl. Firstly you’ve not been doing your homework. Secondly you’ve got a dirty mind and thirdly one day you’re going to be in for an enormous disappointment.



A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a £25 see-through night dress. Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the night gown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, “My word, for £25 they could’ve at least ironed it!”



Paddy goes home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He kicks the door open the barges in and there’s his wife in bed with three blokes. “Hello, hello, hello” he roars. His wife pops her head up from below the covers and say’s “What’s the matter. Are you not talking to me?”



During a quarrel with his parents a teenager cries; “I want excitement, adventure, money and beautiful women. I’ll never find them here so I’m leaving home. Don’t try and stop me” with that he heads for the door. His father gets up and follows him. “Didn’t you hear what I said dad?” cries the boy “I don’t want you to try and stop me” “Who’s trying to stop you?” replies the father. “I want to come with you”



An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.  As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man’s cane slips onto the floor and he falls. As he gets up, Little Johnny, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, “If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn’t slip.”  The old man snaps back, “Well, if your dad had done the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today.”


The readers digest paid me £125 for this joke


“Would you like some breakfast, darling?” said the wife to her husband. “No thanks,” he replied. The Viagra has taken away my appetite.” “How about some lunch?” suggests the wife a few hours later. “The Viagra still hasn’t worn off, so I’m still not hungry.” “Well, would you like some supper?” the wife persists some time later. “Still don’t fancy anything to eat. replies the husband. “Well are you going to get off me? says the wife. “Because I’m starving.”

click to view on the joke page of the Reader’s Digest web site.



Lost in the supermarket two old guys are pushing their trolleys around when they collide. The first says to the second, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.” The second old guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too, and I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.” The second old guy says, “Well, mine is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big breasts, and is wearing a mini skirt. What does your wife look like?” “Never f***ing mind her” said the first old bloke “let’s look for yours.”  



A youth went in to the chemists to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that that the youth was nervous. She handed him the package and asked, if he knew how to wear one.  Hesitantly he said “No.” So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb. She then looked all around the chemist. It was empty. Then she took him into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. Unhooking her bra and laid it aside. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As he was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. He climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, he could no longer hold back and POW, he was done within a few minutes. She looked at him with a frown. “Did you put a condom on?”   He said, “I sure did.” And held up his thumb to show her.  


A Scotsman wearing his kilt walks into a bar. As he orders a drink, the lady standing next to him asks, ”how can you tell what a Scots fella’s clan name is from his kilt?” “nae problem” replies the Scot “jist pit yir haun up the inside o’ it an if ye can feel a quarter pounder ye’ll ken he’s a Mc Donald.”


Maria is a devout Catholic. (No condoms for her!) She gets married and has 17 children…and then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later…and has 22 children by her second husband. She dies. At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens, and says, “At last…they’re finally together.” A man standing next to him asks, “Excuse me, Father, but do you mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?” “No,” the priest says politely, “I mean her LEGS.”





As a woman left her house one morning she noticed an unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.  There were two black hearses spaced about 50 metres apart. Behind the second hearse there was a woman walking a pit bull terrier on a leash. And, behind her there were 200 women in single file. Curiosity got the better of the spectator so she went up to the lady with the pit bull and asked her about the peculiar funeral cortege. “Well” replied the lady “The first car carries my late hubby. This dog here killed him. The second car carries my mother in law. She tried to defend my husband so the dog killed her as well.” “incredible!!” replied the bystander “do you think I could borrow the dog?” she asks. “Join the end of the queue” was the reply.


An elderly couple was sitting watching late call on their television. The husband looks at his wife and asks, “Darling, whatever happened to our sexual relations?” She thought a while and replied, “I’m not certain, dear. They didn’t even send us Christmas cards.”


A couple were out at a restaurant for their Xmas dinner. During which the lady shouts out “Help, my husband just swallowed a silver sixpence that was in the Christmas pudding” The waiter runs over and slaps the husbands back a few times but to no avail. The bloke at the next table calmly walks over and grabs the cougher’s privates.  After a few hiccups the fellow spits out the silver coin. “That’s amazing” says the wife “Are you a doctor?” “No I work for the inland revenue” replies the bloke.


A small man was sitting in a bar staring into his drink. He didn’t move for a half-an-hour when a big trouble-making truck driver stepped up next to him, took the man’s drink and guzzled it down. The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man crying.” “No, it’s not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a taxi and went home. After the car had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the taxi. I went in the house only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar.” And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and DRINK MY POISON!



This bloke has just had life saving heart surgery. His wife is sitting loyally at his bedside.  Eventually he awakens from his sleep and looks over at his faithful wife. “My god” he says “You’re Beautiful” and falls back to sleep. Twenty minutes later he opens his eyes again and says “You’re so cute darling” A little miffed his wife said “But, the last time you woke you said I was beautiful” “Yes” said the husband “but the anaesthetic is starting to wear off.”



1 st  Bloke :-“It’s my wife’s birthday and she say she wants something that goes from 0 to 130 in 3 seconds.”

2nd Bloke :- “Really, and what did you get her?”

1st Bloke :- “A set of bathroom scales”



A wife went in to see a sex therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.” “My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.”   “The problem is,” she snarled, “it wakes me up!” 


Two old ladies were in the coffee shop for their elevenses. Madge stared at the side of her friends face and said “Annie, you’ve got a suppository in your ear” “Oh my god” replied Annie “Now I know where the earpiece for my hearing aid is”


Q :-  Have you heard about the vegetarian cannibal?

A :-    He only ate Swedes.



An old couple are sitting in a busy Doctors surgery. The elderly lady turns to her hubby and whispers “I’ve just done a silent fart. What should I do?” The old fellow replies. “Buy new batteries for your hearing aid” 


The sign erector at the top of the ladder shouts down to his mate “Give me up a P” His mate shouts back “I haven’t got a P I’ve only got a B” “Bloody hell” Said the fellow at the top of the ladder “we’ve messed up our last job at the London Brick Company”


Doctor, doctor was my operation a success?

Sorry sir my name’s St. Peter


First Bloke “My wife never wears lipstick”

Second Bloke “Why?”

First Bloke “She can’t keep her mouth closed long enough to put it on”




Two neighbouring farmers, one with a sow and the other with a boar decided to mate them. The farmer with the sow puts it in the wheelbarrow and takes it next door and the boar did the deed. “How will I know if the mating has been successful?” asked the farmer with the sow. 

“If she’s eating grass in the morning it’s not worked, if she’s rolling in the mud it has” said the second farmer. The next morning the first farmer said to his wife “Look out the window and tell me what the sow’s doing” “She’s sitting in the wheelbarrow” replied his wife.




An M.P. was trying to get an act through Parliament to legalise prostitution. The Prime Minister telephones him to say that the sitting of parliament has been cancelled. He replies “What about my prostitution bill” The P. M. says “You’d better pay it”



First Bloke “My uncle’s got a glass eye”

Second Bloke “How do you know?”

First Bloke “It just came out one day in the conversation”



This bloke gets off with an attractive blonde and at the end of the evening she whispers in his ear “Would you like to come back to my place for a bit of you know what?” As he is driving her home he gets a bit excited and is driving pretty fast round the corners of a country road. She says to him “I bet you’re hard on tyres” He replies “I bet it doesn’t”



This couple are making mad passionate love on the beach below the harbour. She whispers in his ear “put your balls in as well” He replies “Does that do something special for you?” “Not really” She says “It’s just that you’re flicking sand up my arse.



An old fellow was on his deathbed and hadn’t long to go. He suddenly smelled the aroma of newly baked apple tart. With his last bit of energy he pulled himself out of bed. As he makes his way into the kitchen he found his wife rolling pastry for a new batch of pies. He reached over for one of the freshly baked ones. With a snarl his wife roared “Leave them alone. They’re for the funeral.”



Q. Why do women call it PMS?

A. The name “Mad Cow Disease” was already taken.



Q. What’s a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.



This bloke asks the big issue seller if he can tell him a joke. “Sure man” was the reply. “Knock, knock  ?” says the bloke “who’s there?” answered the magazine vendor.  “I thought you didn’t have a house” says the bloke.



A young boy had been taken for his first visit to a nudist camp by his parents. He was surprised at the different sizes of the male organs and mentioned it to his father. The father, being rather well endowed, explained that it was a measure of intelligence, the big ones being smart and the small ones being dumb. That afternoon the father was looking for his wife and asked his son if he had seen his mother. “I saw her about ten minutes ago, She was with a real dumb man, but he seemed to be getting smarter every minute.”


Q:- What’s the real definition of trust?

A:- Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.


Q:- What’s the difference between five Italians and a slice of toast?

A:- You can make soldiers out of the toast.



Q:- Why don’t women need watches?

A:- Because there’s a clock above the oven door.



This bloke goes to see the optician who tells him he’ll have to stop masturbating. “Why” replies the fellow “Will I go blind?” “No” says the doctor “But you’re upsetting the other patients in the waiting room” 


When the teacher asks the class of five year olds what they did over the weekend a host of hands shot up. As she pointed to a lad in middle of the class she said “You first Tommy?” “I played with my toy cho cho” replied Tommy. “Forget the baby talk” said the teacher “It’s not a cho cho it’s a train”  She then pointed to little Mary and asked her the same question. “I read a book” replied Mary “and what was the name of this book?” enquired the teacher “Winnie the shit” replied Mary.


 A Bloke who needs to fuel up sees a sign that say’s “Get petrol and free sex here”. So obviously the guy was interested, so he stopped, filled up went inside to pay. “Pick a number from 1 – 10 to get free sex.” said the cashier. “Okay, 3!” the man replied. “No! Sorry play again”. So the guy drove around for weeks always getting petrol at the same place, because he wanted his free sex. One day he was really annoyed: “This has got to be a fix! I have never got the right number to have free sex!” He screamed. “Oh no! It’s not rigged, just ask your wife, she won 3 times last week alone!”