Park Engineering

 John Park, 32 the Loaning, Motherwell, North Lanarkshire, Strathclyde, Scotland, U.K. ML1 3HE

 tel. & fax. 01698 263756  mobile 0781 8618547

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Nun Jokes

When God created Scotland, he looked down with satisfaction. He called the Archangel Gabriel. "Look" said God, "This is the best yet. Splendid mountains, beautiful scenery, brave men, fine women, cool weather, beautiful music and I've given them a special drink called whisky -- try some. Gabriel took a sip. "Excellent. But haven't you been too kind?" God said "Wait until you see the neighbours they're getting"

A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she needs someone to talk to.  She lives in a convent and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees but the   nun explains she can't have sex with a married man because it would be a sin. The bus driver says  no problem, he's not married. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she has to take it in the ass.  The bus driver agrees again and being the only two people on the bus they go in the back and take care of business. When they were done and he had resumed driving the bus driver said, "Sister, I have a confession to make, I'm married and have three kid's." The nun replied, "That's O.K. I have a confession too. My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party."


Q :- “What do you call nun who walks in her sleep?”

A :- “A roaming catholic”


Q:- What do you call a large shop with 100 nuns in it”

A: Virgin Mega-store.”


Q :- “What’s the difference between a nun praying and a nun in the bath ?”

A :- “One’s got hope in her soul and the other has soap in her h??? ”


Question. How do you get a nun pregnant?
Answer. Dress her up as an alter boy.


Q :- “What happens when a nun gets pregnant ?”

A :- “They fire a canon ”


Two nuns are sitting in their little mini at the traffic lights when a drunk approaches them. “What will I do?” says one nun to the other. “Show him your cross” was the reply So he other nun rolls down the window and shouts out “F*** off you drunken bastard”


Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?' When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend  sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. 'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?' But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. 'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back sleep. The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?' Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'  

The nun fainted............ 


Q :- “What’s black and white and tells the Pope to f*** off ?”

A :- “A nun who's just won the lottery"


A Nun dies and finds herself outside the pearly gates. St. Peter says “I know you’ve had a truly unblemished life Sister, but I must ask you one question before you come in. What was the first thing Eve said to Adam? “Gosh, that’s a hard one.” she replied. “Well done.” said St. Peter as he opened the gates.


Q :- “What did the nun say to her brand new vibrator ?”

A :- “Stop shaking with fear my dear it's the first time for me as well"


Bashful goes into the convent and asks the mother superior and ask if there's any nuns here about this size (2'-6") "No" was the answer and the door was closed. Bashful went round all the convents in the area and was given the same "no" answer. He went back to the place where the seven dwarfs stay and the other six dwarfs were sitting at there tea. Bashful jumped up in the air, clicked his heals. clapped his hand above his head and shouted out "Dopey's sh****d a penguin"


Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just wait until you hear this!" The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?" "Well, father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!" "A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest. "But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun, " it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!" "What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?" "Well, I hit the ceiling, father." "How much did you win?"


Mother Superior at the Convent of St Agnes got all of the nuns together for a little meeting, for something had come up. She said, "Sisters, we've discovered a case of syphilis in the house!" Whereupon little sister Mary Catherine clasped her hands together and fell to her knees and exclaimed,
"Oh, thank the Lord! We've all been getting so tired of Chardonnay!"


Q :- What kind of sex life does a Monk have?

A :- Nun


Q:- what's the difference between two fat ladies and two nuns?

A:- Some are trying to diet and some are dying to try it.


Three Italian Nuns passed away. When they reached the Pearly Gates St. Peter says to them "You have all led such exemplary live God is granting you another six months of life on earth as however you like. The first nun said "Sophia Loren" and in a flash she disappears. The second nun chooses Madonna and likewise she is away. The third nun is holding an old newspaper cutting in her hand while she says "Sarah Pipelini" A little baffled St. Peter takes the cutting from her hand. He reads it out and smiles "Sorry sister I think you'll find it was actually the Sahara Pipeline that was laid by 1000 men in six months.


A young nun said to the Mother Superior "I was out walking in the garden last night when the gardener had his wicked way with me. Can you give me a penance?" "Go and suck ten lemons dry" said the Mother Superior. "But that won't cleanse my transgressions" "I know, but it will wipe that contented grin off your face"


Religious Jokes

When God created Scotland, he looked down with satisfaction. He called the Archangel Gabriel. "Look" said God, "This is the best yet. Splendid mountains, beautiful scenery, brave men, fine women, cool weather, beautiful music and I've given them a special drink called whisky -- try some. Gabriel took a sip. "Excellent. But haven't you been too kind?" God said "Wait until you see the neighbours they're getting"

Murphy opens up a nail factory. Production exceeds all expectations so he brings in a marketing guru to increase his sales. After finding out all about the business the guru returns to Murphy with his proposals. He tells Murphy all about the television, newspaper and magazine adverts. He then comes to the the billboards and says he's going to have them distributed throughout  the country. "I would like to show you a sample" says the advertising man. He pulls a A0 sheet from a tube, spreads it on the table and there's  a photo of Jesus nailed to the cross with a caption across the top which reads "BE SURE USE MURPHY'S NAILS"   "In the name of god almighty" replied Murphy "We can't have that. This is a Catholic country. You'll have to tone it down a bit." The guru comes back a week later and displays a new poster which showed a photo of an empty cross with Jesus lying crumpled at it's base. The caption at the top read "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DON'T USE MURPHY'S NAILS"


God and Jesus are a bit fed up up in clouds of heaven. They decide to return to mortality and end up in Motherwell. While dawnering through Strathclyde Park Jesus says to God "I remember that time when I walked on the sea of Galilee. Well I'm going to try it again.  As Jesus walked out over the water he gradually began to sink. As he the water reached his neck he spluttered and gave in swimming for the shore. "I can't understand that" Say's Jesus "It was okay when I tried it before" "Yes" replied Got "But you didn't have holes in your feet then"

I first told these jokes about forty years ago and this is the first time I've written them down. The reason i can always remember them is because of their absurdity. "Jesus falling from the cross and then walking over the Strathclyde Park's loch."

Four times the Vicar asks the old lady for a donation to the "new roof fund" for the church. "It's no use" replied the old dear "I'm deaf" As the Vicar left the old biddy shouted after him "Mind and shut the date" "To hell with you and your gate" replied the minister. "And too hell with you and your new roof" was the reply.






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