marriage Jokes

A wife treats her hubby by taking him to a lap dancing club for his birthday. The doorman says "Okay Jim?
How's tricks?" The wife asks "How does he know you?" "Er, I play footie with him" Inside, the barman says
"Usual Jim?" Jim says "Before you say anything he's in the darts team in my local" Next a lap dancer comes over and says "Hi Jim d'ya want your special again" At that the wife storms out dragging Jim with her and jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver turns round and says "Bloody hell Jim you've pulled a right minger tonight"

Wife to husband :- Why do you always carry my photo in your wallet? Hubby :- When there’s a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears. Wife :- Is that because you see me as powerful and miraculous for you. Hubby :- You’ve got to be joking! I look at your picture and ask myself “what other problem can be greater than this one?”

First Bloke :- "Last night my wife asked me to rate her out of 10 sexually"

Second Bloke :- "And what did you say?"

First bloke :- "Not bad, but I can't wait to try the other nine"

Have you heard about the bloke that bought his wife a pogo stick and a running

machine for her Christmas. Do you think he was telling her to go take a running jump.

Did you hear about the bloke that broke up with his wife because she lied about her weight.

I said broke up, but actually she died in a bungee jumping accident.

First Bloke :- "I gave my wife a small bottle of exquisite perfume for her Christmas "

Second Bloke :- "And what was it called ?"

First bloke :- "ample by Christian Dior. She didn't even notice I had rubbed the "S" of the front of it"

An elderly couple are at church. About half way through the service the lady leans over to her husband and whispers "I've just let off a silent fart. What should I do?" "Put new batteries in your hearing aid" was the reply.

Bloke to his wife "You are a double for Madonna." Wife "Do you really thinks so? darling" Yeah Madonna is eight and a half stone and you're seventeen.

This bloke just goes back to work after a holiday. He says to his boss I would like next week off to get married. "Why didn't you do that last week while you were off work?" asks the boss "What" replied the bloke "And waste my holiday"

After the wedding a couple are desperate to get to bed for you know what. Eventually they get to the honeymoon suite where she immediately strips off and lies spread eagled on the bed. She looks up at him and says "You know what I want. Don't you?" He replies "The whole f*****g bed by the looks of it"

Every time this bloke has an argument with his wife he goes into the spare room and watches his wedding video backwards. He likes the bit where he takes the wedding ring off her finger, walks back down the aisle, gets into his car and drives off.

Q;- What does it mean to come home to love, tenderness, compassion, understanding and great sex?

A:- IT MEANS YOU'RE IN THE WRONG HOUSE

George was 29 and still single. All of his friends were married, but George just dated and dated. One day Bill asked him why he wasn't married. "Don't you want to settle down? Are you holding out for the perfect woman? Are you having trouble meeting someone compatible?" "Actually," George replied, "I've found many women I would have been happy to marry. Things always start off fine, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother never approves of them." Bill thinks for a moment. "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl whose just like your mom!" A few months later Bill ran into George again. George looked a little depressed so Bill asked how things were going "Did you find the perfect girl? did your mother approve?" George shrugged his shoulders. "Yes, I found the perfect girl. Yes she was just like my mom. Yes, you were right, not only did my mom approve, but they became good friends." "What's the problem then?" asked Bill. "My father can't stand her."

The wedding was very emotional. The bride was starry eyed. The Bridegroom had a lump in his throat. The Bridesmaids were misty eyed. Even the wedding cake was in tiers.

Wife:- 'I can't sleep without It'

Husband:- 'Honestly, darling, do I have to? It's the middle of the night'

Wife:- 'If you really loved me I wouldn't have to beg you'

Husband:- 'I do love you but can't we just leave it for tonight'

Wife:- (crying) 'You don't love me'

Husband:- 'Oh, all right then I'll do it'

Wife:- 'What's the matter? Need a torch?'

Husband:- 'I can't find It'

Wife:- 'Oh, for heavens sake feel for it'

Husband:- 'There are you satisfied?'

Wife:- 'Oh yes honey'

Husband:- 'Is it up far enough?'

Wife:- 'Oh that's perfect'

Husband:- 'Right, go to sleep. And the next time you want the window opened do it yourself'

This lady went to the doctors beaten black and blue. When asked by the doctor what happened she replied "Every time

my husband comes in from the pub he beats me into pulp" "I've got the solution to that" said the doc. "Every time your hubby comes home drunk take a mouth full of luke warm tea and swish it around your mouth until he goes to bed" Two weeks later she visits the doctor looking fresh and reborn. After complementing her the doctor said "see how much it helps when you keep your mouth shut"

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday, she decides to take him to a strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey Dave, how ya doin?" His wife puzzled, asks if he's ever been here before? "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, the waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "Are you sure you've never been here before?". "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Dave's wife is furious and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her, but she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the

hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour

pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the

father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor

to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband

was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he

was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain

transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer

ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had

experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.