Kid

A 5 year old kid is in the classroom at school when the teacher announces that she’s going to give the class some arithmetic. She then asks the class what comes after 4. Little Johnny puts his hand up and says “Please miss my dad taught me this and it’s 5”. “Very good” Replied the teacher. And, just to check the teacher asked “what comes after 8?” “that’s 9” replied Johnny. “very good” was the teachers response. “What follows 10” enquired the Mistress. “That’ll be a Jack” was the youngsters reply.

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
> > >,
> > >,
> > >,
> > >,
> > >Answer: Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're pissed.

A Psychic Daughter

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you! work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead at our front step."

Q:- What do you call the patron saint of playgrounds?

A:- St. Francis of a seesaw.

Hear about the bloke who got the sack from working on the dodgems.

He’s taking his ex employers to court for “Funfair dismissal”

A 5 year doesn’t want to go to school. Dad says all kids must go to school from the age of 5 until they’re 16 Will you mind and come back for me when I’m 16

“I don’t want to go to school. Nobody likes me at school.” “get up and go” says the mother “After all you’re 42 years of age and the Headmaster”

Little Johnny comes home with his report card and his mother is angry to read that he has once again failed on maths. “I warned you after last term” berated his mother, “If your counting didn’t get better I was sending you to the Catholic school” Next term Johnny is sent off to the convent. At the end of the first term his mother can’t believe how his maths have improved. “What happened at the Catholic school to make such a turn round” she enquired. “Well” he replied “I new these teachers weren’t messing around when I walked into the class on the first day and saw the bloke nailed to the plus sign”

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just f*cking beautiful."

A little girl came running into the house with tears streaming down her face.
"Quick, Mommy!" she screamed. "I need a big glass of cider. Quick!" "Why do you want a glass of cider, dear?" asked the mother. "Because," replied the girl, "I cut my hand on a thorn and I want the pain to go away." Confused, but weary of the child's noise, the mother poured a glass of cider and the girl dunked her hand in it. "It still hurts," whined the girl. "The cider doesn't work." "What are you talking about? Just tell me!" the mom said, raising her voice. "Well," replied the girl, "I overheard my big sister saying that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

In the first year at Secondary school and the teacher asked the pupils to make up a sentence with the words defence, defeat and detail in it. Little Johnny appeared to be having problems. When the teacher asked if he needed help Johnny proffered him his note book. The sentence read “The cat jumped over defence with defeat in front of detail.”

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating" .Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Robbie Williams and I was "fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate." Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

It was the end of the day when a policeman parked his van in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and a little boy staring in at him. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," the cop replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at the policeman and then toward the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

The little 10 year girl comes in from playing outside opens her hand and shows her mum a fifty pence piece. “Where did you get that?“ asks her mother. “Tommy, next door gave me it for doing hand stands.” was the reply. “That no user” said the mum “He’s just wanting to see your knickers” Next day at the same time the little girl appears with a pound coin. “Mummy” she says “look what Little Tommy gave me for doing handstands again. But I tricked him today. I wasn’t wearing any knickers”

A man returned from a trip when a big storm hit their town, with crashing
thunder and severe lightning. When he got home and into his bedroom at about
2 a.m., he found his two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by
the loud storm. He resigned himself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, he talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with Mum when the storm was bad, but, in the future, when he was expected home, please don't sleep with Mum that night. They said okay. After his next trip several weeks later, his wife and the children picked him up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for his plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As he entered the waiting area, his son saw him and ran toward him shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As he waved back, Dad said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mummy while you were away this time!" the boy shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at the man's son, then turned to him, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mum was.

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question He replied, "No dear, both of them are Daddy Longlegs. "The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and trampled them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that poofter shit in our garden" she said.

My mother taught me about...JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like."

A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we
started swearing.' The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says, 'When
we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear
after me, ok?' 'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants
for breakfast. 'Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got
up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.. She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do
YOU want for breakfast, young man?' 'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be fucking Coco Pops'

This 10 year old lad is on the phone to his gran. He shouts over to his parents "Gran says if you don't buy me a new bike for my birthday next week she's going to buy me a drum kit"

"What's the fastest vehicle in the country?" asked the teacher "My dad's council van" Replied little Johnny "You see finishes work at at 5 pm and he gets home at 4.30"