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Park Engineering John Park, 32 the Loaning, Motherwell, North Lanarkshire, Strathclyde, Scotland, U.K. ML1 3HE tel. & fax. 01698 263756 mobile 0781 8618547 "e" mail jpark8@btinternet.com (click on this to send me an "e" mail) this web site www.3d-cad-steelwork.com
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Computer and Web Design Hints and tips
British Hospitals - True
Stories.........
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Doctor Jokes
This bloke gets a check up. After which the doctor tells him everything is okay. The doctor then asks the patient if there’s any medical matters that he would like to discuss. “as a matter of fact” says the bloke “I have a slight problem. After making love with my wife I feel hot and sticky. Then the second time I have sex I feel cold and shivery. The medic looks up his daybook and says “I’m seeing your wife this afternoon so I’ll look into the matter then. After explaining the problem to the bloke’s other half she says “That’s because the first time he has sex it’s July and the next time it’s February.
The lady goes to the doctor complaining about a sore back. After numerous “x” rays and tests the doc admits he’s unable to find the cause. As a last resort he asks her if she has changed any of her physical habits recently. The lady blushed and stammered a little saying “Er, yes, sex, I now do it doggie style” “That’s it” said the quack “You’ll have to go back to face to face” “I can’t do that” retorted the woman “My alsation’s breath stinks”
This lady is visiting his wife in hospital when the doctor takes her to the side and says “I don’t like the look of your husband” “Neither do I” replies the wife “But he’s away from home a lot and he’s great with the kids”
Patient :- Doctor, doctor I keep seeing double. Doctor :- take it easy and sit down on this seat. Patient :- Which one, Doctor?
Doctor to patient “I’ve got good news and bad news for you. The good news is that you’re not a hypochondriac.”
Six weeks after a major heart operation a bloke is back at the doctor for a check up. “Just one thing” asked the bloke “When can I resume my sex life?” “Yes” said the doc “you can now have sex, but only with your wife. We don’t want you to get too exited”
This Bloke goes to the doctor with swollen ankles. While the doc is examining him the bloke says “Well doctor, what do you think?” “Gout” says the doc. “Bloody hell” Says the bloke “I’ve only just come in”
This bloke varnishes his toilet seat. Unbeknown to him his mischievous ten year old son has put some super glue into the varnish. When his wife uses the toilet the seat becomes solidly fixed to her posterior. He puts an oversized nightdress on her and takes her to the doctor. When he gets into the medics surgery he lifts the back of the nightdress up, gets his wife to bend down and says to the doc “What do you think of that?” “Not bad” replies the doctor “But why have you got it framed?”
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put you down."
A man goes to doctor and says "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pop Star" The medic says "Nurse get me this man's records"
After undergoing a full medical a nervous bloke asks the Doc. how long he's got left. "I'll give it to you straight" replies the Doctor. "Ten" "Ten what" replies the patient. "Ten what ten years ten months ten what?" the Doc replies "ten nine eight ......."
First nurse "I've scored with every doctor in this hospital" Second nurse "And intern" First nurse "No not alphabetically"
A doctor is holding his stethoscope to the chest of well endowed girl. "Okay" he says "Big breaths" "Yeth" she replies "And I'm only thixteen"
Q:- If a stork is the bird that brings babies which bird prevents them? A:- A swallow
Q:- Why do surgeons wear masks in operating theatres? A:- If they make a mistake nobody knows whose fault it is.
A doctor and his wife are having a argument at the breakfast table. The husband gets up and as he heads for the door he says "And you're no good in bed either". After a few hours at work the doc realizes he's been a bit nasty so he decides to call his better half and make amends. The phone rings and rings. When it's eventually answered he says "where have you been?" "In bed" say the wife "doing what?" asks the hubby "getting a second opinion" was the reply.
This bloke got a course of ant-hypochondria pills from his doctor. Then he couldn't sleep at night for worrying about what the side effects might be.
This bloke goes to a psychologist and says "I've got a terrible problem. Every time I'm with one of my patients I get an irresistible urge of a sexual nature towards them. "I don't think it's a lot to worry about" replies the shrink. "After all you've a very stressful job being a doctor" "A doctor a doctor I'm a bloody vet"
Doctor to patient “I’ve got good news and bad news for you. The good news is that you’re not a hypochondriac.”
This bloke walks into the Doctor and says " I keep thinking I'm an AA man" The medic replies "You must be heading for a breakdown" The bloke walks through a busy Doctors waiting room. As he approaches the over weight butch looking receptionist she says in a loud voice "Ah Mr. Smith your here to because of you impotency problems" "No" replies the bloke "I'm here to see about a sex change but I don't want the same surgeon who did yours"
My brother-in-law John Preston's latest "party piece" joke is about the bloke who becomes a little dependant on a few glasses of whisky. He goes to the local quack. After he explains the problem the doc takes out two glasses, pours water into one and whisky into the other. He then takes out a small "bait like" tin and puts a worm into each glass. The worm in the water swims around happily. But other worm whisky is soon dead. "What does that tell you?" asks the doc. "If you drink whisky you won't get worms" answered the "Soon to become alky"
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